Baby/toddler life,  Lifestyle

10 Things No One Tells You About Becoming a Parent

 You’ve read the baby books, you’ve googled every question that’s popped into your head and spent hours on Net Mums trying to find out what others did. You are so prepared for motherhood right?!
I bet you’ve spent the last 9 months grilling every friend and family with children about what to expect, and how life is going to be once your a parent, I know I did.

You often hear the same kind of advice,

“Your going to be so tired”
“Watch out for that first black poo – its gross!”
“Don’t wish for them to hurry up and walk, that’s when things get bad”
“The dreaded sleep regression”
I don’t know about you guys, but I was terrified. I saw myself as this woman with big bags under my eyes, barely able to walk covered in black poo.
But what about the things that no one tells you before you become a parent?

1.The first week after giving birth – your conversations will only go like this.

“So tell me about the labour”
“Oh she is so cute”
“Did you TEAR???”
“How much did she weigh?”
“Are you tired? how is she sleeping?”
“Bet you can’t wait for a glass of wine”
“Whens the next one?” – Like seriously?

Yes, that will pretty much be the extent of your conversations, be prepared to answer them over and over again.

2. Phantom kicks after giving birth 

If your laying down with your precious newborn next to you and suddenly feel kicking in your stomach – DONT FREAK OUT. Lots of women feel phantom movements for a few months after giving birth due to the uterus trying to reform back to its original state. Its a bit strange, especially if you aren’t expecting it. I’m pretty sure I ran to my partner and told him the midwife had left a baby in me.

3. Every time they grow, you heart hurts a little.

You will look at your child and think where the hell has the last 2 weeks/months/years gone? It will make you a little sad yes; when they start nursery you will probably cry, when they start school you will probably cry even more. We never truly see how much they grow because we spend every day with them, but when you see that tiny little newborn picture, or the beautiful dress she wore when she was just a month old, you get this kind of stabbing pain in your heart. If only we could go back and hold them as that tiny little baby again (but skip the black poo part)

4. Your going to laugh, a lot.
We often hear about how hard things are going to get, but let me tell you this… your children will make you laugh until your belly cramps up. You will have tears streaming down your face at some of the crazy stuff they will say and do, there will be just as many good times as hard times. I promise I’m not evil, but the other day my daughter was running around the living room naked and she went absolutely flying – but the way she went down just had me in hysterics, it took me 10 minutes to be able to breathe!

5. You will become your parents.

Remember your parents telling you that you weren’t allowed out past seven, you weren’t allowed chocolate before dinner and you most certainly weren’t allowed to leave the house in winter without a coat. I bet at some point you told yourself that you would let your children do all the stuff you weren’t allowed to do.
Sorry to break it to you honey but you will more than likely become your parents – Scary thought I know. I’ve often said something to Lola and had daja vu, because my mum has already said it to me.

6. The back seats of your car will never be the same again.

This is where LOL dolls, old lollypop sticks and crisp packets find themselves a home, and quite frankly – they can stay there until we’re near a carwash. They always seem to find their ‘favourite toy’ that they desperately need (even though its been in between the back car seats for a year.)

7. Sometimes you wont be able to stand your kids

Kids are hard work… constantly. Whoever tells you that they love every single day they spend with their children and its a walk in the park and perfect blah blah, are either liars or some kind of magical super mum. You are going to really dislike your children here and there and guess what? They will probably dislike you too on some days, its just one of those things – especially when you hit that scary teenager phase.

8. They quite literally beat the sh*t out of you.

They just love to climb and bounce…and jump on your head. Have you ever had a toddler punch you and it hurt a damn sight more than what you expected?! Best tip is to run away and leave dad to be the punch bag.
Their bony little elbows and knees dig into every inch of you even just watching the TV or reading a book. JUST. SIT. STILL! and there is absolutely no hesitation when it comes to launching a yo-yo at your face when you least expect it, and sure they find it hilarious.

9. You become scared of silence.

Once upon a time, silence was a magical thing, it meant rest and quiet time. If your a parent, silence is bad… very very bad. We know that children are only quiet when they are up to no good and don’t want to get caught. Children are silent when they decide to repaint a room, they are silent when they cover their brother in Sudacrem – There is literally never a good scenario. If your reading this now and think your child’s a little of the quiet side, put the screen down and go check what they’ve broke!

10. You just can’t relax with or without them

You pray for a break, and then spend your entire break praying for them back. You miss them like hell and forget how crazy they drive you when you managed to sneak a night away, and then you go home and wish you was back on your own again. Its the wonderful parenting roundabout!

Happy Reading x

Chloe x